Thursday, August 11, 2011

How to Get Your Husband to Do Something

Ladies, at the risk of being excommunicated from First Baptist of Manhood - I'm going to let you in on a little secret:

Men can be idiots sometimes.

To be specific, I'm talking about the inability of the male species to detect subtle hints, deft nudges, or nods followed by winks. I'd like to think that men can't pick up on hints because we're honest, hard-working, no-nonsense type of people who tell it like it is and want nothing to do with this mysterious you-would-have-known-what-I-meant-if-you-really-loved-me romanticism.

Sadly, the truth is much less dramatic - we don't get hints because we're kind of dense. (think trying to shoot an arrow through a thick cube of Styrofoam)

For example, let's say your front lawn looks like it could be featured on the cover of National Geographic. So, as you're pulling into your driveway after a nice steak dinner at Texas Roadhouse one lovely evening, you casually remark to your hubby, "Our lawn needs mowed."

Now, here is what YOU are thinking when you say this:

"I'm such a good wife, I didn't even nag him about how lousy he is at yard-work. Nope. I just made a respectful statement of fact. That way, we won't get into a fight about my 'tone'. I know my husband will get the hint, slap his palm on his forehead, and say, 'Oh my! You're right! I'll do that right now! In fact, why don't you run to the nearest Redbox, check-out your favorite chick-flick, and grab some popcorn and candy! By the time you get home, the lawn will be mowed! Then, I'll take out the garbage, take a shower, put on some cologne, and we can curl up on the couch while I whisper sweet nothings in your ear.'"

As ideal as this scenario would be, here is what HE was thinking when you said this:

"Wow, that was the biggest steak I've ever eaten - I'm stuffed."

I know what you're thinking.

"There's no way a man could miss such an obvious clue."

If that's what you're thinking, here's what I'm thinking...

...you're single.

OK, so maybe that's a bit harsh. I suppose not ALL hints go unnoticed by men. My lawn once got so tall my neighbor knocked on my door one night and offered to lend me their mower. (that hint I understood)

But let's get serious, unless you're prepared to pay off your neighbor every time you want a decent looking lawn, we have to look at alternative therapy options for your man.

Three Hints (pardon the pun)

1. Pretend He's Three
"Now Jason, did you see every other lawn on our street as we came home tonight? You did? Oh didn't they look so nice! Wouldn't you like our lawn to look like that? You would? Well Jason, that only happens when a mower gets pushed back and forth over the entire lawn by a big strong man - a big strong man like you. How about you go mow the lawn, right now. And maybe, if you do a good job, you'll get a cookie when you're done? Doesn't that sound like fun?!"

2. Use Visual Aids
"You see this picture? It's of our house. When the lawn was shorter. Three months ago. I want our house to look like this picture by eight o'clock tonight. It's seven o'clock now. I suggest you get busy."

3. Make Stuff Up
"Well, we were going to order pizza tonight but President Obama just signed a bill into law that forbids pizza from being delivered to homes with grass longer than 7 inches. However, the law also states that pizza can be in transit to homes if the lawn is being mowed at the time the order is placed. What's that? You're going to go mow the lawn now? Great, I'll order the pizza."

Then again.

You could always just mow the lawn yourself.

4 comments:

  1. Yes, because your husband fractured his hand and his leg has had a mysterious ache. hehehe

    ~Rachael F.

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  2. Jason, you have missed your true calling. Keep writing!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. By the way, the last anonymous was me, Mom K.

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