Tuesday, July 5, 2011

3 Things NOT to Say to Your Wife

Listen up, men, if you want those eyes to stop rolling, those eyebrows to stop raising, and those tears to stop flowing - you've come to the right place.

I posses the unique ability of having said stupid things for years. So let me help you out.

Here are three things you should NEVER say to your wife,

"I folded my underwear for you, honey."

I can just hear some poor sap blurting this out, full of pride for his domestic contribution, and then retreating to his man cave for a few hours of SportCenter. In fact, a few of the men reading this are probably scratching their hands, unsure of exactly what social faux pas has taken place.

Listen, as someone who openly confesses to being male, I understand what you're thinking. It was meant to be a kind gesture of good faith - I mean, actually FOLDING underwear - now that's going the extra mile! But you're missing the point, the problem with this statement is those three little words at the end, "for you, honey."

If you're thinking, "Well, who else would I do it for?" ... keep reading.

Let me clue you in on what your wife hears when you inform her of your accomplishment:

"You are the sole responsible party in the event my underwear gets dirtied and needs laundered. In fact, I fully expect it to be sitting neatly folded in my top drawer each and every morning I awake. But today, due to my superior kindness in nature, I have relieved you of your folding duties. So take a load off (and take one out of the dryer too), and let me handle my own underwear today."

"What did you say?"

Ok fellas, let's take a little pop quiz.

Q: "When does your wife expect you to listen?"
A: "Whenever she is talking."

Look, I know this is a unrealistic expectation, YOU know this is an unrealistic expectation, even SHE knows this is an unrealistic expectation. You know what women talk about during all of these ladies conferences, bible studies, and "teas"?

How to get you to listen.

You're outnumbered! But take heart, I've developed a proven one-phrase-fits-all that, when spoken correctly, will solve all of your listening woes.

"Are you serious?"

Whether you're listening or not, just quote this phrase, and you got it made in the shade.

Hey honey, I was thinking about ordering pizza tonight.
"Are you serious?"

Johnny brought home his report card, he is getting a "D" in three classes!
"Are you serious?"

I just bought this cute top at Kohl's for half-price!
"Are you serious?"

I'm so sick of my coworker, she is such a gossip!
"Are you serious?"

I just read what you wrote about listening on your blog.
"Are you serious?"

"Honey, have you seen my ________?"

Put anything in the blank you want - wallet, car keys, shoes. Congratulations, you have now opened yourself up to humiliation. Your wife will drop whatever she is doing, begin laughing maniacally, waltz straight over to where you left said item, and proudly raise it above her head like a trophy. She'll then remind of something she learned at her latest Women's Conference,

"Idiot men look with their eyes; genius women look with their hands."

Listen, any self-respecting man I know would be willing to go DAYS without his wallet, before asking his wife to find it for him. You can last without it. Sure, you may need to cancel a few credit cards, and get the local DOT to issue you a new drivers license - but hey, what's a few extra hours of tedious phone calls and standing in line in order to save face with your wife?

You do know they sell brand new wallets at the store right? Just hop in your car (if you can find your keys) drive to the nearest store, and buy one.

You'll just have to ask your wife if you can borrow some money.


  1. Ok, love it! I still think writing is your true calling.

  2. I KNEW you were going to say "Look with your hands, not with your eyes" Ba ha ha ha ha!!! :) I say this to Zachary (and Joel) all the time! :)

    This was hilarious. Also, in our family, it is my responsibility to fold the laundry, since I stay home & Joel works so much - so I would be thankful to hear him say he folded his undies for me. :)

  3. I actually laughed out load at your "I folded my underwear for you, honey." That line is so familiar in our house. LOL Thanks for the laugh.

  4. That is freaking HILARIOUS!