Tuesday, June 21, 2011

How to Act Like a Jerk

It's official. Jerks are at an all time low. In fact, according to a recent announcement from the Department of National Rudeness, "Jerkiness" has officially been placed on the endangered behaviors list.

Nowhere has this decline been felt more strongly than in the retail business. Tellers forced to make withdrawals for polite business men. Cashiers charging the wrong price, and customers just "understanding". People parking their cars without even so much as a single honk or crude gesture. There have even been unconfirmed reports of customers calling managers to report a, *gulp*, compliment.

What a tragedy.

If you're thinking, all hope is lost.

If you're thinking, how did it come to this?

If you're thinking, I haven't been doing my part.

Take heart. I'm here to help. Keep reading and you'll discover the secrets to successful jerk-ness. Simply follow my 3 step program and pretty soon, you'll be the one causing a scene as onlookers gasp, and managers duck for cover.

Step 1
Leave your logic at the door.

This one shouldn't be hard. As soon as you cross through those sliding doors, make a mental note to transform into an unthinking behemoth. Now that you aren't thinking clearly, walk to the nearest "buy one get one free" sign. Now, and this is important, grab anything within a ten foot radius of the sign. (be careful to not grab the actual sale item by mistake)

What? You only grabbed two of the items? You sissy. Grab 4, 6, or even 10. I don't care - and you shouldn't either. You need 10 of whatever you grabbed.

Ok, you've got your items. Now you're ready to check out. This brings us to the next step.

Step 2
Wait for the right moment to complain.

This step is a little tricky so pay attention. First, when you set your stuff on the counter - DO NOT acknowledge the cashier. Get out your phone. Flip through a magazine. Peruse the candy bars. Whatever you choose to do, just don't let it communicate that you view the cashier as a human being with any desire for personal contact.

By now, the cashier should have finished ringing up your items. Now, of course, since we followed step 1, the items we grabbed did not ring up as buy one get one free. But wait! Don't complain yet....wait until the cashier gives you your total.

"Your total today is $54.67, sir/ma'am."

Now's your chance! Slam down your magazine. Let your mouth fall open. Scrunch up your face. Let out a deep sigh. Roll your eyes. Throw up your hands in the air and declare,

"You overcharged me!" (Now of course, the cashier simply scanned the items - the computer determines the price, but remember, we've left our logic at the door) "Those items are buy one get one free! There's a SIGN!" It's important to say that last line as if you are the victim of a conspiracy. The cashier in front of you is probably trying to pocket the excess money, or maybe the managers are having trouble meeting their bottom line. Regardless, remember that you are being scammed.

Step 3
Keep your head held high.

Now, I hate to tell you this, but you aren't going to be able to get your product at the buy one get one free price. But, if you've played your cards right - you now have a small audience. This is what it's all about.

Remember, we aren't primarily interested in buying things - we're interested in making people's lives miserable. However, we don't want the cashier to know that. When the cashier tells you that you can't have the product - you'll have do a little acting. I like to pretend that like the cashier just shot my dog. A couple of gasps wouldn't hurt - but don't overdo it. Once you've made a significant stink - it's time to leave. (this should go without saying, but don't, under any circumstances, offer to put the product back where it goes)

Keep your head held high, and march out of the door, muttering mindless babble loud enough for those nearby to hear. On your way out the door, be sure to get your logic back.

Now that you're outside, breathing clean air, and thinking clearly again, you should use this time to let your friends now how much you hate life. Send out a Twitter about your awful experience. Post a Facebook photo of the buy one get one free sign, with a caption that says, "Dirty Liars".

Congratulations! You have now completed all three steps!

You will go down in history as a jerk.


  1. Dude! This was Hilarious! I laughed so hard reading it on my break! Keep the Humor Blog Posts Coming!

  2. Oh, dear. That's funny. :) You definitely see all kinds when you're working in retail, right? :)